I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
