Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
