I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
