so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
