I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
