i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
