apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
