We need to rekindle our bromance
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
