My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
