Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
