Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
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I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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