so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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