im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
ttyl tear gas
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
