Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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