I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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