all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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