I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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