My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
