ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
