Christians are straight up FREAKS
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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