Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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