I just threw up on my dentist
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
