I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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