I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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