You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
