maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
