Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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