Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
