Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
