your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
