Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
