You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
