I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
