He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
