I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
