When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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