I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
