if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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