I look better un-naked...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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