So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
