I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
