yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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