just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
