I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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