My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
