Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
