The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
