...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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