They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Someone came in the potted fern
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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