put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Duck Duck Cougar?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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