why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
