The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
