I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
