my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
