the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
